Don't Ask - Don't Tell

Resorting again to advice columns for material. In “Ask Carolyn,” a reader with three children including a son with ADHD who has threatened violence is miffed that her pregnant sister has not chosen her to be the guardian of her forthcoming child.  The sister has continued to agree to serve as the guardian for the reader’s three children.  The reader believes that her sister is judging her parenting skills even though “every single day is a struggle for her due to her son.”

A few poignant and sad points:

1.  The pregnant sister has two likely concerns about the reader - the ability of her sister to handle another child when “every single day is a struggle” and the possibility of physical harm to her child from his cousin.

2.  I always advise my clients to discuss guardianship with the potential guardians.  I do not advise telling someone that they are not the guardian because of the possibility of unnecessarily bruised feelings for a scenario that might never arise.

3.   There is a never right answer on the guardianship question - there is merely a best answer or least worse answer.  No one will raise your child the same way you would (nor will someone clean your house like you or cut your grass the way you would), but you have to settle for the best option considering all factors such as location, parenting style, educational beliefs, and demographics.  Not having a child raised by a family with a potentially violent child who causes his mother to struggle every day is an easy decision to make.  

4. I love people who think about estate planning while they are pregnant.

Photo Credit:  Nick Galifianakis/For The Washington Post)

License:  Fair Use/Education

 

Eight Is More Than Enough (Seven Is Too Many)

Reluctantly resorting to advice columns for material.  A woman with 4 children mentioned that her friend with 3 children had asked her to be the guardian of the 3 children.  The first woman declined the possibility of serving as guardian after discussing the 3 additional children with her husband.  The second woman has since ignored her friend.  The first woman sought advice/affirmation for her decision.

Several points:

1.  Many factors go into the choice of guardian - family relationships, geographic location, religious beliefs, education beliefs, age of the guardians and their children, and parenting philosophies.  
2.  The current size of the potential guardian's family is also a key consideration.
3.  The second woman in this story is deluded in thinking that a couple with four children of their own is a good choice to serve as guardian for her three children.  
4. Seven kids might have worked out for the Von Trapps but then they had to wear recycled drapes as clothes while singing for their supper.  
   
     

Jihad Estate Planning

The six month old baby orphaned when her terrorist parents killed 14 people in San Bernardino is at the center of a custody dispute.  Saira Khan, the sister of the slain terrorist, has asked for custody of the girl. Experts are predicting that family members will not get custody of the baby because county officials will not recommend custody for family members if they are shown to have have had knowledge of the attacks. The mother of Syed Rizwan Farook lived with him, but claims to have no knowledge of the attacks despite the numerous bombs and large amounts of ammunition in the shared house.  She also received $15,000 in bank deposits from her son just prior to his death.  Terrorists are known to drain their bank accounts prior to suicide attacks.  The funds she received were from a loan her son received from a peer to peer lender several weeks before he murdered his co-workers.

So many issues, but let's focus on the main ones:

1.  Sharia Law requires that the baby be raised by a Muslim.  Thankfully, Sharia Law does not govern matters in the United States. 

2.  An individual designated as guardian in the will would receive consideration from the Family Court to have custody of the daughter barring intervening circumstance such as knowledge, of or complicity with, mass murder.

3.  The $28,500 debt taken out prior to the attacks will die with the attackers if there are no other assets from which to re-pay the loan.  

4.  It is somewhat ironic that the murderers transferred their financial assets prior to their suicide mission but did not prepare a will.  I guess that the Terrorist Handbook does not contemplate a young couple with a baby working together to kill innocent people.

Priorities When Expecting a Child

Zoey Perkins is the 1 year old daughter of former Kansas City Chief Jovan Belcher and Kasandra Perkins.  Belcher killed Kasandra last December before killing himself.  As the daughter of a former football player, Zoey will receive $1 million in structured payments over the next 22 years.  A Missouri probate court recently awarded custody to Kasandra's first cousin instead of Belcher's mother after a 3 day hearing.

Three points:

1.  When a couple is expecting a child, they should prepare wills to designate a guardian for their children so their wishes are followed instead of  giving the  decision to a stranger.

2.  When a couple dies without designating a guardian, sometimes the potential guardians are motivated by the financial status of the child.

3.  It is easy to overlook a will in the excitement of having a child, but the impact of designating a guardian is far more important than decorating a baby's room.

Who Controls End of Life Decisions?

Sad case that I intended to link last week.  A young woman was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and eventually received a breathing tube. When she requested that the tube be removed so she could die, her parents sought guardianship of her.  A court found her competent to make her own decision and denied her parents' request. In an odd turn of events, she changed her mind and kept the tube in place to preserve peace with her parents.

A few points:

1.  The case was correctly decided.  The parents had no right to interfere in the decisions of their adult child.

2.  If she had not been found competent, she would have been best served by having a health care power of attorney which designated someone who shared her beliefs to make her decisions. 

3.  We all should have conversations with our family members so they know our wishes and how we wish they would respond to specific medical situations.  As tempting as it might be to get all potentially controversial topics on the table at once, save the conversation about differing views on religion, political candidates, and gay marriage for a different time

Tell Family Members About a Will?

Telling family members about estate plans is a delicate matter.  I recommend the following approach.

1.  Obtain the consent of executor, trustee, and guardian to serve.  Do not surprise them with their responsibilities at death.

2.  Inform the executor of the location of the documents, but do not necessarily provide a copy if they contain provisions that will upset family harmony if known.

3.  For adult children who will inherit a significant sum of money, do not inform them of the amount but suggest to them that they seek financial advice and work with the family financial advisor. 

4.  Related to No. 2, by all means if a child is being disinherited, or if assets are being left to charity instead of to nieces and nephews, do not inform anyone.  If they find out, the disinherited heirs could make the client's life miserable and make the client wish for a hastened death.  

Designating a Guardian

The will of Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys illustrates how not to designate a guardian for minor children.  Apparently, he and his wife could not agree on the guardian for their then 3 year old daughter, Tenzin Losel, when they executed their wills in 2001.  They compromised and designated his parents if he died in an even numbered year and designated her parents if he died in an odd numbered year.

Several points.  Unless the parents of my clients are very young, I do not recommend that the clients designate parents as guardians. Second, clients should re-visit their guardian designation regularly and adjust it accordingly based on life changes, especially if a client has a terminal illness.  Third,  unless the child is a Sherpa, I am not sure that Tenzin is a good name.